"instructions for return" - an erasure - PG?

[be_themoon]

instructions for return
an erasure of the poker game, awakenings, and coping. pg?
original fic by gallifreycalls, erasure by be_themoon 

he believes he believes
"I believe."
too cold
too hot
"I can turn lead into gold."
time can stand still


The first time he
spends hours staring
"what went wrong"
the first words on his lips
even before conversation is broken

He asks and
He asks

"see for yourself."
smiles at her

Kingdoms rise and fall
there are never the same faces
The only constancies stories
of births, deaths, wars,
differ only in the names
falling asleep
lingering on

he asks
there is work to do


he feels

a catch in his breath
something wrong
the air numb
just another fact

stares, murmurs
feels tongue and lips
as if unknown.

as if When he catches up
he gives in.

he remembers.


before
fingers
turned to catch
the tips of fingers
They entwined.

before
Life was simpler.
possession
protection, loyalty, destiny;
completion.


He is tracing circles,
circles in now

if he could find the strength to break


he mourns the loss of hope
starts to list instructions
for returns.

1. No more dying.

Comments

[katakokk.livejournal.com]

1. No more dying

THE LAST LINE. You killed me with that last line, bb. It's just so PRETTY and SCARY. *flaps hands*

I loved it! I love the way Merlin (I'm assuming "he" is Merlin) is determined throughout the whole thing even though time passes and things change. It's awesome.

[be-themoon.livejournal.com]

The last line is one of the few things that came wholesale from the original fic - I transposed it with part of the original meaning kept and also a little bit of different meaning put in.

Fandom-wise, 'he' could be anybody. I'm not sure if it's a fandom-specific poem, but it could probably be applied to any fandom you wanted to apply it too.

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. <33333

[hungrytiger11.livejournal.com]

I love the idea of a person feeling time is standing still for him wile the world seems to move on (of course, I'm taking this to be Merlin, in which case this is a lot more literal, but it works for a universal "he" as well!). The entire idea is just great.

And you have this knack for ending lines of stanzas. I was gonna quote favorite lines and they all were these stanza-enders. But it is that very last line that just blows one away.

Ooooh. It makes one's heart break a little.

[be-themoon.livejournal.com]

It could be either, really, Merlin or an OC or whoever. And thank you! I like that the idea works - it was worrying me. *wibble*

Oh yay! That's awesome, because I was worried about the strength of my ending lines and whether they worked. Thank you! And it is a bit sad, isn' t it? I didn't mean it to be, but that's how it erased.

[zempasuchil.livejournal.com]

The circles and cyclical themes in this are really, really cool. it has a feeling of a expansive general sweeping theme, of time and eternity and (at the beginning) alchemy, but when you get down to it it's about a very alone man and the simplest movements, gestures of his existence. The struggle in this is kind of intense, in a subtle way, and the end is just so powerful and fitting! instructions for returns. mmmmm.

bits I liked:

RHYME SWEET:
too cold
too hot
"I can turn lead into gold."

even before conversation is broken - oooh I like that. broken.

The only constancies stories
of births, deaths, wars,
differ only in the names
This guy is so world-weary. it is sad and profound and profoundly sad.

before
fingers
turned to catch
the tips of fingers
They entwined.
fsdlkjsdf <333333

if he could find the strength to break
WOW dang I love this line!

AND OF COURSE THE END. omggg. he mourns the loss of hope - and goes on, he goes on, life continues, circles keep circling. I can't tell if he's out of the circles, though, and disconnected from everything, or if he is very connected and feeling powerless in how time rushes him on. (this may be utter speculation but, uh, it just makes me think.)

ALL IN ALL this is TIGHT. And beautiful, like pure water. lovely, lovely.

[be-themoon.livejournal.com]

eee thank you! I am very pleased you liked it. *beams* it is very circley, which I didn't even do on purpose, it just kind of went with the fic and the erasing and stuff. I am not sure myself, as to his position in these circles! I think perhaps out of them? but it is possible he is in them, hmm. I guess it's a matter of interpretation and stuff.

thank you so much! <33333

[gallifreycalls.livejournal.com]

This is pure, unadulterated awesomeness. My favorite part is your impeccable mirroring in the two stanzas starting with "before;" each line resonates with its complement in the other stanza so well.

I love what you've done with the theme of repetition and circles. Repetition, circles, cycles, mirrors...I adore all that so much (possibly to a fault), and the Merlin fandom really lends itself so well to them. My favorite line is what you chose for the cut text: "if he could find the strength to break." I think you've captured the raw emotions of reliving lifetimes and the inevitable tragedy that comes in each so well, and to me, it all culminates in that line.

Awesome. :)

[be-themoon.livejournal.com]

I'm really glad you liked it! I didn't actually intend for the repetition and circles themes to show up at first - they were in the fics and they were the part that kept coming through. You're right, it is a very Merlin fandom thing! So much fun to do. Thanks again! Your pieces were a lot of fun to work with.