"the other heaven" - an erasure
Sep. 3rd, 2009 10:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
be_themoonI would suggest reading the fabulous trocó ("she bargained") by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
zempasuchil as well if you haven't already, because a) it's gorgeous and b) it's an erasure of the same fic and the two pieces are really quite different.
the other heaven
an erasure of el otro cielo
original fic bylettersandliars, erasure by be_themoon
her own skin echoes drumlike heartbeats
startled by roaming and herself.
she needs to blind herself more
the beginning smiled lightly
tripped a little.
The light sparkles like fire
The gardens remember the scent like a dream
lotus flowers stand out pale against color
How they grow.
fine hems and knees.
“what I’ve heard,” she says,
smoothing bare earth,
shaded, veiled by
“start to rely on what they don’t know,”
doesn’t finish, moves her hand.
eyes and green shoots between small fingers
wonder in her face.
“Whatever they choose to be,” she replies
pulls up
throws in
pulls aside and
her easy grin makes it not any other mouth
used to dim light, spiced wine and tastes almost too dull
here, underneath chandeliers that shine like morning sun
The table is piled with fruits that bleed against lips
and once or twice she’s not hands And eyes
wide and following
the intricate and smooth movements of their arms
the beautiful distractions intoxicating and infinite
and that’s the end
she won’t know the right steps, none of it.
her wrist those are lips against her ear,
murmuring nothing,
loosening the smiles on the other.
The night is close.
fires blaze in private rooms and it feels like home,
she thinks The way out isn’t leaning on the floor.
she doesn’t mind at all
She watches faces and laughs
smiles languidly through sighs and stretches eyes half closed.
It’s impossible to be certain of the time she pulls herself upright
the shadows make: a case, a curve of neck.
a glance a smile sit up a little straighter.
draw the thin powder out,
how it glistens, the curved ‘o’ of her lips as the flames rise up to meet her and they are
beast bird lion both.
fire and sharpness,
but it bows under her touch
She closes she opens
ash slides through.
fighting a smile.
“I can’t recall,” she says,
and relents a little
“There is magic here,” picks stands on tiptoe to break off the tree.
The grove is (maybe gold)
She watches hands tear flesh
“Only as much as we tolerate,” she says, but the words are her own.
“there is too much darkness in it.”
“It’s just a force.
It doesn’t exist.
It’s just people.”
The last skin falls rosy-pink
teeth sink into mud.
“You’d hate it.”
-
lost in the complexities of being wrapped in furs,
whispering wintertime.
the scratching lullaby ends carefully,
with a smile stretched across hands and whispers against
mouth
lips
cheeks
flowers
arms discarded to the floor.
she cuts roots and leaves and trees to murmur certain reverence and vengeance
Clouds roll up and hands are steady as she reaches out
to touch a little cry
the smoke swirls and it is beautiful like rain and fire and
She draws her shaking hand back
“You mustn’t,”
with a tremor in her voice like a hurricane
more time to burn
She watches ripples take shapes
of faces, limbs, and meal.
She loses with yearning.
Not quite.
knows Dark against pale,
slick as glass, exposed.
They open the door and lay her gently
“Only sleeping,”
and they hold vigil
she shivers
to wake her means it comes out empty
and it is cold, cold, cold if nothing else
this is true.
She looks into sky bleached so light her eyes burn
over the reason of her mind.
Someone weeps.
the familiar standing over her with relief
how thin and pale she looked!
How long she had been sleeping,
how long since she last ate.
her lips are flooded
She can just see veiled amusement.
“I think it’s time,” he says,
in what could be defiance or a bow.
zempasuchil as well if you haven't already, because a) it's gorgeous and b) it's an erasure of the same fic and the two pieces are really quite different.the other heaven
an erasure of el otro cielo
original fic by
lettersandliars, erasure by be_themoon her own skin echoes drumlike heartbeats
startled by roaming and herself.
she needs to blind herself more
the beginning smiled lightly
tripped a little.
The light sparkles like fire
The gardens remember the scent like a dream
lotus flowers stand out pale against color
How they grow.
fine hems and knees.
“what I’ve heard,” she says,
smoothing bare earth,
shaded, veiled by
“start to rely on what they don’t know,”
doesn’t finish, moves her hand.
eyes and green shoots between small fingers
wonder in her face.
“Whatever they choose to be,” she replies
pulls up
throws in
pulls aside and
her easy grin makes it not any other mouth
used to dim light, spiced wine and tastes almost too dull
here, underneath chandeliers that shine like morning sun
The table is piled with fruits that bleed against lips
and once or twice she’s not hands And eyes
wide and following
the intricate and smooth movements of their arms
the beautiful distractions intoxicating and infinite
and that’s the end
she won’t know the right steps, none of it.
her wrist those are lips against her ear,
murmuring nothing,
loosening the smiles on the other.
The night is close.
fires blaze in private rooms and it feels like home,
she thinks The way out isn’t leaning on the floor.
she doesn’t mind at all
She watches faces and laughs
smiles languidly through sighs and stretches eyes half closed.
It’s impossible to be certain of the time she pulls herself upright
the shadows make: a case, a curve of neck.
a glance a smile sit up a little straighter.
draw the thin powder out,
how it glistens, the curved ‘o’ of her lips as the flames rise up to meet her and they are
beast bird lion both.
fire and sharpness,
but it bows under her touch
She closes she opens
ash slides through.
fighting a smile.
“I can’t recall,” she says,
and relents a little
“There is magic here,” picks stands on tiptoe to break off the tree.
The grove is (maybe gold)
She watches hands tear flesh
“Only as much as we tolerate,” she says, but the words are her own.
“there is too much darkness in it.”
“It’s just a force.
It doesn’t exist.
It’s just people.”
The last skin falls rosy-pink
teeth sink into mud.
“You’d hate it.”
-
lost in the complexities of being wrapped in furs,
whispering wintertime.
the scratching lullaby ends carefully,
with a smile stretched across hands and whispers against
mouth
lips
cheeks
flowers
arms discarded to the floor.
she cuts roots and leaves and trees to murmur certain reverence and vengeance
Clouds roll up and hands are steady as she reaches out
to touch a little cry
the smoke swirls and it is beautiful like rain and fire and
She draws her shaking hand back
“You mustn’t,”
with a tremor in her voice like a hurricane
more time to burn
She watches ripples take shapes
of faces, limbs, and meal.
She loses with yearning.
Not quite.
knows Dark against pale,
slick as glass, exposed.
They open the door and lay her gently
“Only sleeping,”
and they hold vigil
she shivers
to wake her means it comes out empty
and it is cold, cold, cold if nothing else
this is true.
She looks into sky bleached so light her eyes burn
over the reason of her mind.
Someone weeps.
the familiar standing over her with relief
how thin and pale she looked!
How long she had been sleeping,
how long since she last ate.
her lips are flooded
She can just see veiled amusement.
“I think it’s time,” he says,
in what could be defiance or a bow.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 05:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 06:53 pm (UTC)Also, yay a possible convert! There was actually an erasureathon recently, with 19 erasures in 13 fandoms - you can read them all over here at
no subject
Date: 2009-09-04 12:30 am (UTC)This is so, very, very beautiful. *squees*
to wake her means it comes out empty
and it is cold, cold, cold if nothing else
this is true.
Especially this. I think I actually felt COLD after reading that. OH BB. ♥
no subject
Date: 2009-09-05 02:05 am (UTC)Oh, awesome! You picked out one of my favorite parts - I loved Z's erasure of that section to pieces and I tried to be really careful about not copying her, so it possibly got the most attention. It was also a really awesome part in the original fic. XD Thank you again! You are so awesome.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-05 09:52 am (UTC)The first line is just gorgeous, really intimate right from the beginning. And I love what you did with the lotus!
The gardens remember the scent like a dream
lotus flowers stand out pale against radiant color
How they grow.
These lines are gorgeous - the pallor of the lotus is against the bright color of the garden around them, and the short simple line to end it is perfect.
“start to rely on what they don’t know,”
oooh. Interesting detail. also, fine hems and knees. <333 so pretty. and kind of innocently sexy!
and that’s the end
she won’t know the right steps, none of it.
mmm, more of what she doesn't know. I like how sudden and that's the end is, and how what follows jerks you out of this sort of vivid almost hallucinatory intoxication. but oh it keeps being so intoxicating!
she thinks The way out isn’t leaning on the floor.
heeeeee. drunk much?
the shadows make: a case, a curve of neck.
and
but it bows under her touch
She closes she opens
ash slides through
are SO SEXY. I like, I like, I like :D
The grove is (maybe gold) - AWESOME. makes me think of Greek Myth, golden apples!
It’s just people. - oooh. and teeth sink into mud - ew ew oh lord, what a creepy eating scene. I like that you kept more dialogue and made it more about their interaction, it's really strong and effective that way, to make it more of a distinctly parallel thing going on.
lost in the complexities of being wrapped in furs, - ooh, I LIKE. this is just a very cool line.
arms discarded to the floor. - arms discarded like pieces of a body, or like lovemaking, or arms like weapons (because discarded, that definitely fits weapons) - I love all the things that can be read into this.
a certain reverence and vengeance the SOUNDS oh I love the sounds! <3
to wake her means it comes out empty
and it is cold, cold, cold if nothing else
this is true.
This stanza is perfect, in its brevity, in the words it uses, in its rhythm, in its utter sadness - I REALLY like it <333
AND THEN THE END it turns into Uther's defiance or bow? well, someone else's! wow oh wow. Someone's said it before I think, I don't remember who, but I'm going to echo them: you have a real talent for ending lines, of poems and stanzas and all that. This is lovely, really really lovely. yeah, wow.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-08 06:12 pm (UTC)the idea of lotus flowers in a Narnian garden makes me giddy for some reason!
so pretty. and kind of innocently sexy! that's exactly what I meant that line to be YAY!
heeeeee. drunk much? I swear that wasn't intentional, but uh, yes, drunk. more than a little.
the scene had just so much potential for complete and total creepiness that I couldn't resist. I mean really! skin falling and teeth sinking into not neccesarily oranges! that was one of the funnest parts to do. and I loved the dialogue there, and I loved how I could take out a few key words and make it different, make the words her own instead of not her own. FUN!
I was really really pleased about how the complexities of furs line came out!
the arms thing could be interpreted many different ways, but I think mostly it comes back to the theme in the orange-eating theme of bodies sort of... falling apart? I guess you could say.
I really wanted to be able to write 'a certain reverence and revenge' but I think it might have come out better with vengeance instead of revenge - less matchy and more sophisticated sounding, but still with a similarity of sound.
that's my favorite stanza in the whole thing! mostly because I LOVED your erasing of the same part (once to wake her meant a multitude of things/I've tried and it is cold, cold, cold OMG I DIED) and I was SO worried I would end up just copying yours somehow unconsciously so I made sure I didn't even though I was keeping at least two of the same phrases. it was lots of fun and kind of hard!
I LOVED the 'defiance or a bow' line but I didn't want it to be her who did it, because she's kind of scary. so I made it the unspecified male's defiance or bow. she has woken to a threatening and a change of power, a little? she is no longer the supreme person, because she fell apart and lost to yearning. I think the main theme was really the main 'she' being not quite whole, of how she is falling apart and coming together at the same time - sort of an opposite of 'things fall apart, the center cannot hold'. more a 'things come together, the center cannot hold', I guess. I'm not even sure, honestly.
Thank you so much for the fabulous and long and absolutely wonderful review, bb! <333 It made me very happy.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-08 11:57 pm (UTC)yeah, that orange scene is super super creepy, and it is so much fun to harness that and do as much as possible with it.
Vengeance is an awesome word. It is way cooler-sounding than just "revenge." So I am glad to see what happened there :)
she is no longer the supreme person, because she fell apart and lost to yearning.
Wow, I really like your description of that whole "things come together, the center cannot hold" - you're right, she's suddenly more defined but there's a distinct loss of power. and it is so sad. but she still gets a bow (or defiance, but the possibility of a bow) so she has *some* power, but it's not really real power. :( so sad!